Well, I was talking to my sister in Christ on the computer, who by the way, is happily married with a beautiful foster child! Basically what I want out of life. Her name is Robin. I said to Robin, because she is about ten year older than me, you give me hope because you didn't get married until you were thirty - six. Robin said it happened because she gave her future completely over to God. I thought, wow, what a wonderful concept. I wanted that! I wanted to completely trust God with what comes next. After all my plans ten years ago for my life are not what they turned out to be, there are way better than anything I could have dreamed!
So you know what I did? I started praying for the courage to put my future in God's hands. It was scary. I think as humans, we always have to have some sort of plan so I knew I couldn't just pray, "God I put my future in Your Hands." I knew I would be lying and not let go. Then I went to a Charismatic healing mass and had them pray over me to have courage to give my future over to God's hands. And you know what? When I rested in the spirit, I felt a feeling of God asking me what I wanted. What do I truly want! I couldn't believe it. God was asking me! I told God in my heart, where He lives, that I wanted to travel all around the world and make a difference in people's lives. But I asked how am I going to do that. The answer came simply in my head. Write a book!
Write a book! I am poet, I have no patience for books. But you know what. I've getting on my computer and sitting for an hour a day and words just pour out! I don't know where they come from. Somewhere deep inside of me. Always as writer I believe in the "muse" of the Universe. But this is crazy I am writing like nuts!
And you know what? I went to another healing mass and I asked the prayer team to pray to help me write this book, find the right audience, and to get a good publisher. It's going to be a Christian book by the way. And the gentlemen in the group actually said, "Bless Amanda as she writes books." That's right he said BOOKS plural, not book singular. I was blown away. God wants ME to write books.
Well, my blogging buddies. I tell you how the book comes out. Maybe it's just therapy for me. Maybe a few people will read it. But I tell you one thing. I AM going to finish this book. I want to see where this is going to go.
Well, everyone the big thing in my life right now is relationships. When I was in high school, I wasn't ready for them. I remember if I knew a young man was going to talk to me, I'd throw up. I went on two dates in high school. Both didn't go very well. One of them, I didn't even know the young man was asking me out on a date! Really awkward. I had my first boyfriend in college and that went well, but it ended because we were too young. We wanted more out of life. Then I get sick and everything got put on hold. Now that I feel more normal, again, it feels like guys are coming out of the wood work. I remember that my Mom said to me when I was in high school. "Don't worry about guys now, when you get to college they will be coming out of the wood work." I guess it raining men on me now.
There was this guy that I had feeling for, his name is Bill. He the kindest, sweetest guy ever. The only problem with him was that he was twenty years older than me. We go and hang out at coffee shops and restaurants once a month. Also every Saturday he calls me. I kept over looking the fact he was twenty years older than me and secretly had feeling for him. Well, one of my friends said I should be emotionally honest with him! I told him I like him more than a friend. His response was, "I am old enough that you can be my daughter!" Then he said a bunch thank yous and asked me isn't that a compliment. He finally said, "I am too old for you!" I told him no you're not. And he said well, "I am the perpetual bachelor and never had a serious girlfriend." I feel kind of bad for him, his fifty - two and never had a serious girlfriend.
Well, guess what happens a few weeks later. The guy that lives next door called for my roommate, but she wasn't here so he talked to me. We had a very interesting conversation. He has a bachelor's degree drama and I have one in Literature. In other words, I am trying to say we have a lot in common. He is only four years older than me. And you know the weird thing. When I was little I asked God to send me a handsome Jewish man and Eric, my next door neighbor is Jewish. He's really cute. Eric had actually asked me for coffee about year ago and I blew him off. I don't mean I stood him up or anything, I just said no. It's kind of a like a movie. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, but she doesn't get it. Then girl realizes she likes boy.
Well, what does come next. I am leading a pretty normal life. I live in my own apartment with a roommate. We take care of the apartment and handle bills. I am responsible for getting myself ready to meet my day. I am on a diet and lost four pounds already! I have a guy friend, who I like more than a friend, but we are just friends because he doesn't feel the same about me. I see my parents when I feel like it. I get around town. I don't have job, though, but I volunteer and people count on me. I actually volunteer at a hospital. Two days a week am in medical records doing computer filing and one day a week am in the Nursing Home keeping the residence company.
I still have my bad days were it all seems crappy and I want to leave this world behind. However, I have a good support system and I usually nip problems in the bud. I can usually tell when something is wrong because I can't sleep. So that's when it time to tell the doctor, "Hay something wrong." I see my therapist and there are still issues I work on. However, when I was really sick I usually saw her for an hour, now sometimes because I can find my answer sooner, I am only in the office for a half hour. My therapist is great, she gets me to think about what I said and she coaches me to find my own answer. And in being in therapy for over twelve years, the answer come sooner for me, thus the shorter time.
What I see myself doing five years from now is being married. I would have never thought of that five years ago, if you asked me what my future was like. When I was very sick, I had no interest in dating. Life just seemed to be hard on its own to add a boyfriend to that! I did have guys I liked and I did go on dates, but honestly I didn't see anything serious going to happen. Right now am out there looking for Mr. Right and I feel ready! I also want to adopt a baby. I guess that's another difference with me (beside not having a job). I just don't feel it would be right to carry my own child with all the meds and risks involved. However, if I adopt a child, that will be my own child too! I also see myself being a published author by then. Not famous because poets don't become famous unless they are really good. I am going to share with the blogging world some of my poetry.
Well, I hope people choose to read my poetry and my "journal" entries. They won't be a crazy and symptomatic as they once were, but I'll try to make them exciting.
Hugs and blessings,
Amanda
Hello everyone this is the person formally known as Lady Amanda. Just call me Manda, that's what my friends call me. I am starting a new blog because after twelve and a half years of therapy, I feel more myself than before. I will still share theraptic ideas. However, this blog will be more of a journal of sorts. I hope some of my old bloggie buddies and some new bloggie buddies will choose to come on the journey to what happens next. What happens when you got all your shit together? Come with me and we'll find out.
